Bare Trees
Deep Depression is a really horrible place to live.
I must confess, as I haven't confessed to many that I am mentally unwell... I have what has been diagnosed as Type II Bi-Polar Disorder. It's a type of manic/depression which is easier to live with than the standard type but not fun.
Basically I get depressed, suicidally depressed and it has affected many of the things in my life. Probably one of the greatest reasons why I never finished college (started three times) or ever made a serious go of any business I've tried to start and own is that eventually, I ended up in bed with the covers over my head and in the foetal position.
Now, I'm not so bad. They've found a drug which helps and I'm happy to say that I haven't tried to kill myself in ages. I live on a much more even keel but there's a hitch.
My stability is dependant upon keeping the amount of drug in my bloodstream at a constant level so that my poor brain doesn't go wiggy.
The amount of drugs in my system depend upon absorbsion and retention of the pills. This has been badly affected by the antibiotics I have been taking for an infection. My blood levels are down...
In short, I'm depressed and unhappy and I've spent today thinking about suicide for the first time in many months.
I feel like I want to cry but cannot, I feel like I want to fly away but cannot. I want to find oblivion somehow.
Never enough morphine around when you need it.
At times like this I pull out my Bare Trees album...
And I think about Cathy, the wife who never was.
Maybe if I play it loud enough, I'll be able to cry.
I must confess, as I haven't confessed to many that I am mentally unwell... I have what has been diagnosed as Type II Bi-Polar Disorder. It's a type of manic/depression which is easier to live with than the standard type but not fun.
Basically I get depressed, suicidally depressed and it has affected many of the things in my life. Probably one of the greatest reasons why I never finished college (started three times) or ever made a serious go of any business I've tried to start and own is that eventually, I ended up in bed with the covers over my head and in the foetal position.
Now, I'm not so bad. They've found a drug which helps and I'm happy to say that I haven't tried to kill myself in ages. I live on a much more even keel but there's a hitch.
My stability is dependant upon keeping the amount of drug in my bloodstream at a constant level so that my poor brain doesn't go wiggy.
The amount of drugs in my system depend upon absorbsion and retention of the pills. This has been badly affected by the antibiotics I have been taking for an infection. My blood levels are down...
In short, I'm depressed and unhappy and I've spent today thinking about suicide for the first time in many months.
I feel like I want to cry but cannot, I feel like I want to fly away but cannot. I want to find oblivion somehow.
Never enough morphine around when you need it.
At times like this I pull out my Bare Trees album...
And I think about Cathy, the wife who never was.
Maybe if I play it loud enough, I'll be able to cry.
posted by S.A.M. Tanner at 7:15 PM
5 Comments:
Call a friend. Do not be alone. Bring people in to your life today and let them help you, today.
*hugs*
What bhd said. Do it NOW.
Sincere apologies for my comments in the AU. Sometimes I sits and thinks, sometimes I just sits.
Bill - Monkeysdad
Once I was able to cry... the depression lifted.
Don't ask me to explain what up with that...
It's one of the reasons I like the Bare Trees album.
I can completely relate with you. You are not alone. Trust me. Once I realized I wasn't alone and someone understood from where I was coming I felt better.
That and the clarity that came to me with yoga. Don't laugh. . .don't say you can't. . .
It's mentally uplifting - and you can't focus on bad things. Your focus is so intent upon the physical and mental cooperation to get your body to do things.
It's wonderful.
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